The Felch Test

...along with the walnut dash, the chrome gearstick and the ABS, one feature of the new Ian Cherry 1.4 LX that has been attracting much attention is the 'Auto-Felch' setting. It's been the subject of mixed reviews from public and critics alike; the main point of contention being 'Is there a need for this on a standard 1.4 LX Ian Cherry'. We've road tested this feature and here is the definitive lowdown...

The Auto-Felch is easy enough to use; simply flip open the gearstick cap to reveal a shiny pink button. Press this button and the felching begins. Initial impressions were that the felching was firm but not too engaging, but luckily those clever engineers over at TWATCARS have tailored Ian Cherry with a fully user-customizable felching experience. Pushing the gearstick from 1st to 5th whilst holding the pink button down changes the felch-force from one of 5 levels, whilst putting it into reverse actually reinserts the jizz up your back passage - useful if you want to prolong the felching session.

For the road test I decided on a gentle canter round Silverstone. Rounding Copse Corner I engaged the Auto Felch at level 1. A mildly pleasant felching experience ensued, but I know this little baby has a lot more to offer!!! After negotiating a few corners, chicanes, etc. I built up some speed on the long straight and made the mistake that a lot of the test subjects made with the Ian Cherry - I got carried away and kicked it straight into 5. This setting is not for the feint of heart I can tell you! Rounding Stowe Corner whilst a hydraulic pump is brutally removing ejaculate from your barking spider is no mean feat and I must say, despite my years of experience, I failed. I careered head long into a tire wall, breaking my nose, jaw and cheekbones on the airbag which turned out to be a breeze block (an odd safety feature), which is where the road test ended.

So, the Ian Cherry provides a pleasant felching experience, but one that shouldn't be taken lightly.