Grand Canyon: Proof of Massive Rock Men

Wii Games

With the advent of the Nintendo Wii, games have taken on a new dimension of interactivity. Simple hand gestures are transformed into gracious movements on screen, allowing you to be immersed in a game like never before.

Well, that was the plan; most Wii games are shit. This is mainly due to the developer's inability to think of a good use for the control system, or the poor application of said system when they do.

In an effort to improve the weak lineup for the Wii, I have thought long and hard about how this unique console could be best utilised. I have devised several games that, to me, would be perfectly suited for the heightened interactivity that this console has to offer. See what you think...

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NintenDoherty

1 player, Remote + nunchuk required. Custom attachment: syringe.

This is a winning idea, so much so that I can't believe that someone hasn't thought of it before. You play Babyshambles vocalist and celebrity drug dustbin Pete Doherty, and your quest is to continue to get high whilst staying a) out of the newspapers, b) out of jail, c) alive.

The Wii remote could be used adequately to simulate the action of chopping up a line of coke, and with the syringe attachement you could easily mimic the action of shooting up heroin; you could even use the cable for the nunchuk as a torniquet!

Play safe though kids - misjudge the hit and the game is over!

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Wii School

2 players, remote required.

Ah, school days. The humble school provides the perfect setting for a whole host of Wii-related madness.

Using the remote in a sawing motion, you must try and best your friends by making the most impressive weapon in CDT, and then employing the resulting shuriken (because it was always shuriken everybody made) forcibly on the closest gimp's face. The finer your weapon, the more accurate and powerful it will be, leading to more points.

Another task could be seeing who can scratch 'Mr Brookes is a wanker' into their desk the most legibly in an alloted time. The possibilities are endless!

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Beat the Wiife!

1 player, remote + nunchuk required.

Since Stella Artois has become commonly available, wife beating has ceased to be the sole preserve of Northerners - now everyone is at it! You're ripped to the tits on firewater and your wife hasn't cooked your dinner - you do the maths.

Gripping the Wii remote tight, you must rain down blows on your other half. Each blow scores, with extra points given for style and imagination. Household items come into play; you can burn her with the iron, crack a broomstick over her head, scald her with a pot of boiling water, push her down the stairs... all with just a few deft flicks of the remote! Domestic violence has never been so fun!

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Wii Toss

1-4 players, remote required.

Invite your friends and family round for a masturbation frenzy! See who can spaff the quickest by shaking the remote in an up-and-down fashion whilst lewd hentai images flash up on the screen! A surefire winner!

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Well, those are just a few ideas of mine. As you can see, the possibilities of this new console haven't even begun to be tapped. I must leave now as the nurse is here with my medication.

CRITE

The Felch Test

...along with the walnut dash, the chrome gearstick and the ABS, one feature of the new Ian Cherry 1.4 LX that has been attracting much attention is the 'Auto-Felch' setting. It's been the subject of mixed reviews from public and critics alike; the main point of contention being 'Is there a need for this on a standard 1.4 LX Ian Cherry'. We've road tested this feature and here is the definitive lowdown...

The Auto-Felch is easy enough to use; simply flip open the gearstick cap to reveal a shiny pink button. Press this button and the felching begins. Initial impressions were that the felching was firm but not too engaging, but luckily those clever engineers over at TWATCARS have tailored Ian Cherry with a fully user-customizable felching experience. Pushing the gearstick from 1st to 5th whilst holding the pink button down changes the felch-force from one of 5 levels, whilst putting it into reverse actually reinserts the jizz up your back passage - useful if you want to prolong the felching session.

For the road test I decided on a gentle canter round Silverstone. Rounding Copse Corner I engaged the Auto Felch at level 1. A mildly pleasant felching experience ensued, but I know this little baby has a lot more to offer!!! After negotiating a few corners, chicanes, etc. I built up some speed on the long straight and made the mistake that a lot of the test subjects made with the Ian Cherry - I got carried away and kicked it straight into 5. This setting is not for the feint of heart I can tell you! Rounding Stowe Corner whilst a hydraulic pump is brutally removing ejaculate from your barking spider is no mean feat and I must say, despite my years of experience, I failed. I careered head long into a tire wall, breaking my nose, jaw and cheekbones on the airbag which turned out to be a breeze block (an odd safety feature), which is where the road test ended.

So, the Ian Cherry provides a pleasant felching experience, but one that shouldn't be taken lightly.