Grand Canyon: Proof of Massive Rock Men

Wii Games

With the advent of the Nintendo Wii, games have taken on a new dimension of interactivity. Simple hand gestures are transformed into gracious movements on screen, allowing you to be immersed in a game like never before.

Well, that was the plan; most Wii games are shit. This is mainly due to the developer's inability to think of a good use for the control system, or the poor application of said system when they do.

In an effort to improve the weak lineup for the Wii, I have thought long and hard about how this unique console could be best utilised. I have devised several games that, to me, would be perfectly suited for the heightened interactivity that this console has to offer. See what you think...

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NintenDoherty

1 player, Remote + nunchuk required. Custom attachment: syringe.

This is a winning idea, so much so that I can't believe that someone hasn't thought of it before. You play Babyshambles vocalist and celebrity drug dustbin Pete Doherty, and your quest is to continue to get high whilst staying a) out of the newspapers, b) out of jail, c) alive.

The Wii remote could be used adequately to simulate the action of chopping up a line of coke, and with the syringe attachement you could easily mimic the action of shooting up heroin; you could even use the cable for the nunchuk as a torniquet!

Play safe though kids - misjudge the hit and the game is over!

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Wii School

2 players, remote required.

Ah, school days. The humble school provides the perfect setting for a whole host of Wii-related madness.

Using the remote in a sawing motion, you must try and best your friends by making the most impressive weapon in CDT, and then employing the resulting shuriken (because it was always shuriken everybody made) forcibly on the closest gimp's face. The finer your weapon, the more accurate and powerful it will be, leading to more points.

Another task could be seeing who can scratch 'Mr Brookes is a wanker' into their desk the most legibly in an alloted time. The possibilities are endless!

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Beat the Wiife!

1 player, remote + nunchuk required.

Since Stella Artois has become commonly available, wife beating has ceased to be the sole preserve of Northerners - now everyone is at it! You're ripped to the tits on firewater and your wife hasn't cooked your dinner - you do the maths.

Gripping the Wii remote tight, you must rain down blows on your other half. Each blow scores, with extra points given for style and imagination. Household items come into play; you can burn her with the iron, crack a broomstick over her head, scald her with a pot of boiling water, push her down the stairs... all with just a few deft flicks of the remote! Domestic violence has never been so fun!

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Wii Toss

1-4 players, remote required.

Invite your friends and family round for a masturbation frenzy! See who can spaff the quickest by shaking the remote in an up-and-down fashion whilst lewd hentai images flash up on the screen! A surefire winner!

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Well, those are just a few ideas of mine. As you can see, the possibilities of this new console haven't even begun to be tapped. I must leave now as the nurse is here with my medication.

CRITE

The Felch Test

...along with the walnut dash, the chrome gearstick and the ABS, one feature of the new Ian Cherry 1.4 LX that has been attracting much attention is the 'Auto-Felch' setting. It's been the subject of mixed reviews from public and critics alike; the main point of contention being 'Is there a need for this on a standard 1.4 LX Ian Cherry'. We've road tested this feature and here is the definitive lowdown...

The Auto-Felch is easy enough to use; simply flip open the gearstick cap to reveal a shiny pink button. Press this button and the felching begins. Initial impressions were that the felching was firm but not too engaging, but luckily those clever engineers over at TWATCARS have tailored Ian Cherry with a fully user-customizable felching experience. Pushing the gearstick from 1st to 5th whilst holding the pink button down changes the felch-force from one of 5 levels, whilst putting it into reverse actually reinserts the jizz up your back passage - useful if you want to prolong the felching session.

For the road test I decided on a gentle canter round Silverstone. Rounding Copse Corner I engaged the Auto Felch at level 1. A mildly pleasant felching experience ensued, but I know this little baby has a lot more to offer!!! After negotiating a few corners, chicanes, etc. I built up some speed on the long straight and made the mistake that a lot of the test subjects made with the Ian Cherry - I got carried away and kicked it straight into 5. This setting is not for the feint of heart I can tell you! Rounding Stowe Corner whilst a hydraulic pump is brutally removing ejaculate from your barking spider is no mean feat and I must say, despite my years of experience, I failed. I careered head long into a tire wall, breaking my nose, jaw and cheekbones on the airbag which turned out to be a breeze block (an odd safety feature), which is where the road test ended.

So, the Ian Cherry provides a pleasant felching experience, but one that shouldn't be taken lightly.

The Clapping Gavins: A band Review

Occasionally, I do some work for a music magazine reviewing bands and that. Here is one of a reviews that which i have done.





Who: The Clapping Gavins

Where: London's BumFun Nightclub

Why: For the Rock of it!

When my editor asked me to go to 'the big smoke' for to do a review of The Clapping Gavin's live show, I said "what?" and he asked me again and I said "OK".

Currently on a regional tour, they are almost literally playing live to promote their new album. Called 'Hermetistics' it has been released on the band's own 'Girth' label, and has caused quite a media stir; dubbed in turn "Godawful earache material" by the NME, "Painfully Inadequate" by Kerrang!, and "Absolute Fucking Dross" by Record Collector, it is a collection of musical whimsies, recollections and 24 minute improvised theremin solos and unbearably pretentious new age Britrock served on a bed of experimental Jazz.

I arrived at the venue early, in order to swap a few words with Blythe Chappaquidick, the band's Frontman (though he prefers the term 'Frothman'), violinist, singer and self-publicist:

"We wanted to create something new that hasn't been heard before by anyone ever. Not even us" he says, sipping porridge out of a German Army helmet. Even when he drinks he likes to stay on the cutting edge.

I asked him to give me a rundown on the line-up. "At the moment, we have the sextuplets taking turns on bass, Tam-Tam on skin-flute, me on violins, words, poetry, sex and howitzer, and my four year old niece stroking a cat's back with a rod of amber. We leave the drums empty as a statement, and instead get Jix our drummer to create a percussive effect by catapulting crockery into the face of a horse, recording it, cutting it and playing it over a telephone through the P.A." (at this point he pauses to snort up a rack of finest 'Columbian Itching Powder'). "We place the horse at the merch desk during shows and get people to write their contact details on her for our mailshots".

Jokingly punching me really hard in the face, Blythe gets up; "Fuck off out of it - I've got a visual masterpiece to paint" he quips, and then elbow-drops me in-between the shoulders and walks backstage. I get the feeling this is gonna be a great night...


Six hours later and five people have arrived, making the tiny venue nauseatingly packed, with all of them fighting to get further from the action; "Good evening London"
wheezes Blythe as Jix starts up a powerful horse-plate-catapult rythm - and there's a surprise - rather than the usual telephone setup, the Gavins have decided to make the horse-drums live which, though it looks fantastic, dramatically slows down the songs due to the fact that they keep having to reload the catapult and revive the horse.

Blythe is leaping and whirling and howling like a frog/dervish/banshee combo, sweat pouring from the big bag of sweat that he had carried onto the stage and then burst: Jix dances expressively in between shooting the horse and the sextuplets take it in turn to pluck and slap at a pint of bass - Scary stuff!

I was in ecstasy thoughout the show - shortly after the music started, Blythe's niece got a bit carried away with the amber and managed to launch an electrified cat at 70mph into the side of my head, knocking me into a coma and landing me in hospital.

People have since asked me why I'm bothering to write a review of a show which I didn't really get to see (or hear properly due to the fact that the human brain cannot process music played at such a low rate), and I just tell them one thing; "don't fuck with the 'claps man - just go and see them - they will blow your tiny mind"

"They will blow your tiny mind"

Wym Wember Jan '07

Interesting Natura-Facts

Nature. The world is full of it; from the bottom of the deepest trench, to the top of the shallowest trench, the world is full of nature. Here are some interesting facts about it!

• Did you know: The Emperor Penguin is the gayest animal on earth? Even gayer than the Barbary Ape!

• Were you aware that: The humble Cockle, found on many of our Great British beaches, has the most piercing shriek in Southern England - even more piercing than that of a split child! It is so piercing that only glaziers can hear it, and only then if they are wearing canvas. The most piercing shriek on earth is possessed by the Common Mountain-Crab, which is so fierce that you can only listen to it when you are on the moon and all pissed up.

• You may or may not be interested to learn that the: Oiliest fucker in the whole of nature is the Fox Wasp, examples of which have been able to be seen to be able to worm their way out of tricky situations that they themselves put themselves in, themselves, approximately 100 million times a second!

• You are almost certainly well surprised: that: I am hundreds of thousands of times the size of an ordinary ant, yet it can steal and lift up an entire picnic, and the people who are having it, without them noticing. I'm pretty big and I can't do that! They get the blanket to stay straight and everything!

• Guess what?: Mice live half of their lives in the future - the first half! The other half is spent rutting and fucking about in tube stations, or getting given cancer and that.

• Apparently: The oldest living creature is Gaylord the Clam, a major tourist attraction at Swansea Zoo, who according to his rings (like what are in a tree) is around 490 Tri$$$$ion years of age! Owner Tristram Mulcahey claims that he had to spend three whole hours trying to keep the clam still while he counted Gaylord's rings, but was still uncertain after he got to seven. He gave 490 Tri$$$$ion as a rough 'guesstimate'. Good enough for us Tristram!

• I'll tell you something interesting - did: you know that the Hump-Backed Turkey is the creator of several useful things that we humans use every day; the Trowel, Reverse-Cowgirl, The Happy Mondays, Scat, Crop-Rotation, Tit-Suction, Mercy, Hangman, Anal, Chips, Rock-and-Roll and Clitoral Hood Piercing.

• You wouldn't credit it, but: The Piping Shrike is the most apathetic bird in the skies. It gives so little of a fuck about anything, that you could go up to it and snap it's mum's beak right in front of it and it would just look at you with a weary scowl and sigh, before turning back to it's laptop to watch online executions and wonder about why it is no longer even shocked at it all anymore.

• Why didn't you know, that: The Sea Otter, as well as using tummy stones to bust open shellfish, also uses Gall-stones to smash open cash machines?

• That's it for the now. I have to get back to work - these kids won't murder themselves!