The Gentleman's Field Guide - Excerpt 2

'The Weaker Sex and their Handling'

The female of the species is a bizarre and oft misunderstood creature. Herein lies a guide to assist the wary gentleman through the pitfalls and social faux-pas that could result in their mis-treatment.




Situation:

Female attempting to alight from carriage.

Possible problematic occurrence:

Embarrassing display of flesh - possibly blinding the lower classes, giggling, 'Gadding about', a painful tumble due to skirts entanglement, arousal of gentlemanly urges necessitating quick marriage.

Preventative measure:

Do not allow her to leave her abode, sir!

Result:

The contentment of all.


Situation:

Female desirous of 'The Vote'

Possible problematic occurrence:

The dissolution of this Great Empire.

Preventative measure:

Thrashing.

Result:

Quiescence.


Situation:

After supper, sat next to female in Drawing-Room during parlour games, Gentlemanly passions exerted.

Possible problematic occurrence:

Over-exertion, unwarranted enthusiasm, heightened sense of competitiveness with other Gentlemen, engorgement of a variety of genital members.

Preventative measure:

Seperation of the sexes to opposite sides of the room - this should encourage Gentlemen to side with each other against the ladies.

Result:

Engorgement of members and arousal of passions restricted to menfolk due to victory over weaker sex, which can be alleviated over brandy and cigars in polite male company once females have retired-abed.


Situation:

Securing the services of a 'lady' of negotiable affections.

Possible problematic occurrence:

Securing these services in the first place can be a problem; there have oft been times when queues of red-faced gentlemen could be seen shuffling about near taverns of ill-repute, nervously attempting to avoid each other's gaze and explaining that they are only there to pick up and beat their wayward, drunken manservants.

Preventative measure:

Throw a penny in the nearest poor-pit, and whomsoever emerges victorious from the resulting scrum may act as your go-between and hire her for you. In most cases, the person hired shall be a relative of theirs.

Result:

Satisfaction of masculine passions via 'e-jaculation'. Swift, bloody murder and dissection on a London backstreet will ensure that natural female 'chattering' will not occur; thus your reputation shall remain intact.



Situation:

Death of Wife from fashionable ague (Tuberculosis tends to be the current vogue)

Possible problematic occurrence:

Bachelorhood leading to depravity.

Preventative measure:

Marry mistress.


Result:

Wedded bliss.


I refer you to the first excerpt from 'The Gentleman's Field Guide, which can be found located in the excellent periodical Close But No Cigar for further reading.