CONFESSIONS...

Sometimes it's cathartic to get those little things off of your chests, and where better to do it than on the entirely anonymous internet, where people may read it and smile in recognition when they have done something which is the same as the thing that you have written.

Here goes!

I once hammered a cork into a chocolate fountain because I was jealous of the children who were enjoying it. The resulting build up of pressure and explosion killed 5.

I sniggered behind my hand at the way a pig walked.

I once bought a Robbie Williams cassette single and done a shit on it, not because I didnt like it, but because I really needed a shit. I wiped my dot on a Miles Davis 7", and washed my hands with an Anthrax 'best of' compilation.

I murdered a crow because it looked askance at my hampton.



I once voted for a tramp.

I grafittied the West Wing of the White House - in white paint!

I stamped on a fish.

I have been known to turn the air blue when I dont get what I want!

I wiped sperm on a Matador's favourite hat. It wasnt my sperm, and it wasnt his hat!



I fell over in a shop and didnt pay for it. When the shop person came to help me up, I got up really quickly, gave them the fingers and ran off.

I wrote in to the producers of my favourite program and demanded that they cancel it, just because my mate Roy liked it too, and we had just had an argument about David Bowie.

I paid someone to shoot Roy.

I pissed in Roy's open grave.



I framed Roy's mother for the murder, and she got injected with something that made her die. When she was buried I pissed in her open grave too. Twice.

Before she was buried, I cut off one of her fingers, and when I got home I stuck it up my bum and had a wank over Business Lunch.

I swore a lot more when I was unemployed.

When I was unemployed, I used to go to the job centre and write my name down and they gave me money! I never corrected them on this, and to this day I haven't paid them back.

I got my favourite rugby team to gang-rape a priest.

I dug up Roy and his Mum and put them in a position where they looked like they were having a sex over a headstone, and then I called all of their relatives and told them that someone had vandalised their headstones. When they all got there I took photographs of their reactions, and once developed I drew moustaches on their faces.

I buggered them both before they were put back.

I often take a sweet or two from the pick-and-mix at Sainsbury's and eat them whilst shopping.

I did a shit in my friend's bath and blamed it on his older sister.

I havent used anywhere near enough apostrophes in this post, because I FUCKING HATE THEM.



I ruined my own mother's chances of a better life. According to her.